The need for autonomy

A parent of a high school student recently asked me a question I hear often from parents: why is my child so tight-lipped about her college and career plans? Why does everything I hear come to me secondhand through siblings, family friends, and teachers?

Each student is unique, of course, and every relationship between parents and their children has its own particular dynamic. That said, there are some common developmental needs that young people have as they begin to consider life after high school. Probably what you're encountering is their push for autonomy, control, and self determination.

When it comes to college admissions specifically, I believe it can be very helpful for parents, before they begin any discussion with their student about college, to examine their own assumptions, hopes, fears, and pressures. Growing up, did you feel pressure to attend a highly selective college? Where did that pressure come from? Is it your belief that there is one narrow path to success in one's career and in life? Do you believe that you must push your child in order for them to become more accomplished and more successful adults? When you socialize with other parents, does their behavior sometimes make you feel that your own parenting efforts have fallen short in some way?

Answering these questions honestly for yourself can be an important step toward liberating yourself from limiting beliefs that may be impeding your communication with your child. Once they know they're not being judged while they're exploring different possibilities for their future, they may start to open up.

That said, no matter how open-minded and supportive you are, your high school student might continue to be less than forthcoming with you. Try not to take this personally. It's possible they are feeling a little embarrassed, or uncertain, or that their ideas for the future are only half baked.

Helping students to clarify their own interests, strengths, and values, while at the same time respecting their sense of autonomy, is a huge part of my consulting work with clients. If you'd like to learn more, please use the contact form on my website to schedule a free one-hour consultation.

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