How much should I help my teen with homework?
The simple answer to this question: not very much. A slightly more elaborated version: only as much as your teen wants you to help.
To be clear, what we’re talking about here is not whether or not you should do your child’s homework for them. If that is your question, then the answer is “never.” It is unethical for your child to submit for credit any work they did not do themselves. It also robs them of an opportunity to learn the material if someone else does the work for them. Most parents understand this.
Where many parents become tripped up is when their child seems unmotivated to do their schoolwork, or when teachers reach out to let them know that their teen isn’t completing their assignments. Many parents then feel under pressure to do something about it. So they resort to nagging their child, or forcing them to sit at a desk until their work is done, or punishing them by withholding privileges.
If, as a parent, you’ve ever found yourself in this situation, I’m going to bet these strategies didn’t have much long-term effect. Teenagers roll their eyes at nagging parents, and they can even become hostile and resistant to doing homework—even if they know it’s in their long-term best interest to do it. Some teens shut down completely. Others will comply in the short term, but then come to rely on their parents to nag them, and will even blame the parent if the parent forgets to nag them. None of these results is desirable. What every parent wants for their child is for them to become self-reliant and self-motivated.
For this to be possible, the most effective thing you can do as a parent is to back off. This does not mean adopting an entirely laissez-faire parenting style. What it does mean is making it clear to your teen that they are responsible for their own academic success, and that you are there to support them, coach them (if they want coaching), and provide a quiet space in your home that is conducive for studying.
Memorize this phrase: “I love you too much to fight with you about your homework.” If you commit to this mantra and stick to it—even if your child struggles at first to stay on top of their assignments—you will likely experience several shifts. One is that time spent with your teen will be less tense and more enjoyable for both of you. Another is that they will come to understand that their school work is their responsibility. They won’t be perfect at it, especially if they’ve learned previously to think of school work as something that’s more important to their parents than themselves. But most teens do want to do well in school, and they understand that their current academic success can translate into opportunities later on. Most of the time they will eventually rise to the occasion.
For more detail on how to help teens to become more in control of their own lives, I highly recommend William Stixrud and Ned Johnson’s best-selling book The Self-Driven Child.
